Fatal Scenario's in Star Wars
by The lovable writer
Summary: Multiple scenario's that would result in your death in the star wars Universe. Random thing I did to cheer myself up. If proves popular, will make more chapters. Enjoy and review please.
1. Fatal When on a Ship of the Empire

When being briefed before battling the Rebel Alliance say "You know, aren't we in wrong here?"

When the Bounty Hunters come on board yell at Boba Fett "You don't have a Dad! Just a biological template from which you were copied, and it got it's butt got kicked by a Jedi with a pink light saber."

When discussing the presence of Bounty Hunters on the ship with the crew, yell out loud so they can here you "Yeah mate, your right (enter name) Bounty Hunters are scum!"

Enter the chamber where Darth Vader goes to get his helmet replaced and stuff. Wait for him and just before he goes in, yell that you're using it and to wait, upon coming out with toilet paper, tell him to give it a few minutes.

Play rock, paper, scissors with prisoners, winner gets the light-saber you found in the evidence locker.

Refer to the Emperor when near him as Chancellor Palpatine. When he tells you otherwise, tell him you distinctly remember him giving a speech in Senate and he was called Chancellor Palpatine, fight your case to call him this. When you loose, call him wrinkle face.

When the Millennium Falcon disappears on Radar and baffles your comrades, go up to the most high up officer and slap him across the face, and tell him it's quite obvious they've attached themselves to the ship, and that they're idiots, than go dump the rubbish.

Steal Darth Vader's helmet and do bad impressions of him on deck in front of the officers, and the Emperor, include in your performance, Look I am your Father, why don'y you write. You will join us or die, that's how passionate I ma about my kite flying team. And a rap about the Dark side of the force.

Request generals who are no longer there, like General Kenobi, or General Yoda, when told they are enemies now, say "Well they got results!"

Tell Darth Vader he looks fat.

Ask Darth Vader is he wearing the helmet because he's only 40-ish and he's bald?

When briefing your men before going into battle on Endor, tell them "Home to some furry natives, completely harmless, feel free to drop weapons, not look behind you when walking, and drop your guard for multiple minutes, especially when guarding the shield generator."

Upon realizing that Rebel soldiers are on the ship, scream, keep screaming and firing randomly in the air till they restrain and shoot you.

Order the crew to jump to light speed, all the time, even when landing, especially when landing.

Tell people you think you've developed Jedi like powers, all the time, even in front of the emperor, especially in front of the emperor.

Refer to Darth Vader as helmet head, all the time, even in front of him, especially in front of him.

Talk in a formate where you say something, pause than talk, pause and talk again, and add an especially towards the end, especially with especially.

When meeting some kind of barricade, shoot at it, when that doesn't work, order your men to shoot at it, than continue to bring in more to shoot at it.

When going past Darth Vader, smack him gently on the rear, if you get a chance, explain that someone wearing that costume couldn't not be gay, invite him to your sleeping quarters (if your still alive)

3 words, Randomly hit controls.


	2. While also crippling Luke in many ways

**And at The Same Time, Emotionally or Physically Cripple Luke Skywalker**

Regularly give updates on the current predicaments in the most sarcastic voice you can muster. Example, "So were stranded on some God for sacking forest planet, are ship just broke down and all we have to talk to is this annoying robot, while we look for some mighty warrior, you were told to find by the ghost who only you can hear and see!"

The moment Luke finds out about Leia being his sister, pat him on the back, and say "Brilliant mate, now your expendable!"

When trying to blow up the death star, fly in just when Luke is most focused, get in his way and go at a mega slow speed, humming over the microphone, "We are family" and talk about how easy this is, and why it's taking Luke so long to accomplish such a simple task, after a while say it would be an insult to your intelligence to do something this lowly and order Luke to do it.

Whenever Force Ghost Obi-Wan appears, run up behind him and yell in his ear, "Your talking to yourself mate, cuckoo"

Borrow his light-saber and pick your nose with it, than use it to reach the really difficult itches. Do this in front of him

When he's hanging from Cloud city with one hand cut off. Demand he explain how he lost the fight, ask for explanations, keep pestering him than say you don't let anyone on your ship with less than two hands, fly off laughing (Leia will probably kill you for that!)

Whenever Luke fails to accomplish something Jedi related, yell "Failure!" in front of him, develop a failure dance similar to the can-can.

Whenever he enters the room yell how happy you are to see him after such and such said all these horrible things about him, proceed to dance around the room for 20 minutes while singing these insults said at the top of your voice.

Borrow R2D2, when you return him have him covered in shaving foam, beer, and toilet paper, when returning him say "If anyone asks, I respect the Alliance and was with you all of last night."

Play appropriate yet inappropriate songs at situations, play them so loud no one can hear themselves think, examples include, "Shut up and drive" when in space battles, "No regrets", or "We will rock you", just before battle.

When Luke claims he can convert Darth Vader, moan at him for needing his Father to win a battle, and does he ask his Mummy to hold his hand at road crossings.

When meeting Jabba the Hut, yell "Oh come on, we know were standing on a trap door, get on with it"

When Darth Vader announces he is Luke's Father yell, "No I'm your Father", try and get a thing going, if this doesn't work, try a group hug.

When the Emperor, Darth Vader and Luke begin a battle, insist on narrating the battle adding "super force" to the start of every every verb and noun. Do it with a Irish accent.

Before every battle, insist on giving a motivational speech, use in it examples of every time Luke has been defeated, speak of all the mistakes he made and how humiliating it made him look, than when you reach the most pitiful point of Luke's failure's, say we wont fail that badly and sit down.

Stare at Luke and scream at very random moments, follow this up by running in circles.

When Luke has emotional confrontation with dying Father, run in and poke Darth Vader with a stick.

When in same scenario as above, claim Darth Vaders mutalated face is a mask, and he's actually Han Solo, try and rip the face off, who knows, you might succeed.

In the same scenario as above, just at the most emotional point, yell surprise, insist it's a surprise party by throwing streamers everywhere and playing the song YMCA, get everyone to dance to it, if they refuse, try and make Darth Vader.

After Luke and Leia ride together on Endor on the speeder, say they make a cute couple and should get together, when he explains they're brother and Sister, say "I know".


	3. In a Seperatist meeting

When the meeting is just about to begin, jump up and yell "Happy Birthday Count Doku!", proceed to give him cake, sing birthday song, give him a present (The "How to cope with being old" manual). Insist the meeting wait till the strippers get here, when they don't arrive, ask the Trade Federation Representatives to fill in. (It is doubtful you will get through all of this before being killed, so be fast!)

Bring a dog, insist all questions be asked to him, at random points in the meeting chuck steak at people and watch dog go nuts.

Whenever a name is mentioned say you know them and you went to the pub with them last night, and that they can't hold their drink, especially when you tell them about your day at work.

Try to start a Mexican wave, be forceful.

Develop a word of the week, every time it is said, begin your word of the week dance, make the word something like "the" or "and" etc.

Request a droid army to go to an empty part of space, don't give a reason just ask, be persuasive, maybe pretend to use a Jedi mind trick.

Whenever bad news is read, yell "Man, I could have gone on the kite flying team, but no, I had to join these hacks!"

Come in late with a bottle of whiskey, act drunk and develop an Irish accent as the meeting progress, when you are asked to give report, smash the bottle against the table and say, "The meetings over when the bottles over, and I can't drink no more!"

When everyone is in the room, rummage through your pockets, when it becomes apparent you've lost something, say "Oh no, the screaming pills are gone!" collapse to the floor screaming, try to get up a few times still screaming, continue the rest of the meeting screaming, speaking through a series of well pitched screams.

Whisper a rumor that Doku is having constipation problems, to Count Doku.

Come in dressed as a Storm Trooper.

Speak your mind to council members, even if that goes as far as "I'm hungry"

When the battle of Genosis starts, yell "Man, we build some crappy droids"

When asked to give your report, leave the room, and play the audio tape of a spaceship taking off, twenty minutes later come back and explain you lost it but are prepared to stay behind after and re-write it with extra credit points.

Give General Grievous pamphlets on Euthanasia, explain that the life he lives is unnatural, go on to say reason that it's quality, not quantity of life that counts, and he's lived some pretty bad quality, and he's on the wrong side for quantity.

Order Kamikaze missions for no good reason, beyond that droid lives aren't natural lives.

At Genosis just after Jango Fett has his head cut off, insist on giving Boba a hug, continue to give people a hug, say that we need to tear down some emotional barriers.

When everyone introduces themself, introduce your self as "Lord... of the Dance!" Proceed to tap dance for a few hours.

Sleep in the meeting room, sleep in the nude, wake up 30 minutes late for meetings, than get dressed in front of everyone, after this eat breakfast, brush teeth, and shower while singing the theme tune to The A Team, while meeting progresses.

When Vader comes in and starts to kill, explain that you've been quite possibly the worst member of the Separatists, list all of the above as proof as he hacks you to pieces.


	4. In the middle of the Battle of Naboo

**As Gungan:**

Before battle rally your troops into singing the American Pie theme tune, continue to sing this, even as battle begins.

Stand half outside the shield, half in, do a nice comedy performance on this "In, out, in, out" performance, this will look particularly impressive when under fire.

Learn interpretive dance for the battle, perform this to narrate the battle.

Substitute, boom-ba's for water bombs, when the battle begins, yell "April Fools".

Appoint Jae Jae Bink's chief commander of all troops, now that's suicidal!

**As a Naboo citizen:**

As the droids enter the city, oreganos a crooked game of Texas hold'em, insist that the Trade Federation leaders play, when it becomes apparent that your cheating, toss a deck of cards at them and run away with the money.

Act as door man to palace, when they Begin to enter, insistisng that they're to late,the role of brutal invaders was just filled by someone going by the name of Darth Sidious, he is also told you to give him this letter saying "Sucker!"

Stand in front of the entrance to Naboo, with your freedom banner saying free Naboo, yell "You can crush my spirit, but not my freedom banner!", as they start shooting, make sure your banner is burned in the battle.

Put on a red and black hockey mask and spin around a red stick, claim to be Darth Maul, talk with a Texan accent.

When hiding with many people from the droids, wait till your in a room with over a dozen people, look scared and say "Oh no, my chronic diarrhea!"

**As Trade Federation Guy:**

Besides the justification of your invasion, also request several 100 trivial demands like the destruction of space ships that spend 2 days with their window wipers not operating.

Give all names to droids, insist that all droids must be individually ordered to respect their free life, this will certainly prove fatal when you go into battle.

Have a drinking contest with a droid before negotiations to "calm the nerves."

Get a pet bantha, begin to grow paranoid and give the Bantha even more power, appoint him general, give him an assistant and office, secretly confess to Padme at negotiations that you believe he is planning a coup.

Force Padme to undress in front of you before marching her out of the palace naked. (this probably isn't fatal, but I'd love to do that! Though she'd probably have less control over her trigger finer at the battle of Naboo!)

**As Jedi:**

Just before battle starts with Darth Maul, take your coat off, when he does similar take your shirt and trousers off and go "Top that!"

When hanging below massive pit after scrap with Darth Maul, yell while panting "You just wait, I'm gonna do so many pull ups while I'm hanging here, I'll be in perfect shape to take you on when I get out!" Proceed to do pull ups

When stopped by a shield generator in the middle of battle, do a mime show with the shields aid, continue this when the shield goes off to really show off.

When Darth Maul draws his duel light-saber, ask for Obi-Wans light-saber, tie them together with string and go "I have a double light-saber too, worship me!"

When Darth Maul first appears just go "Well if you think I'm dealing him you got another thing coming, go on, get on with it!"


	5. At the battle of Endor

**As a Storm Trooper:**

Do tricks on speeder bikes to impress the others, upon going into battle, lead the way doing these tricks, up-side down.

When your men hear a sudden rustle of noise in the bushes, tell them to shut up and stop imagining things, prove your confidence by sun bathing out in the open and leaving your weapons out to dry in the bushes.

Upon capturing the rebels, perform a bad Chewbacca impression, include in this impression, a scratching at the door sequence while yelling "Chewy Want Out!"

As the Ewoks and Rebels launch there final great battle, simply scream and run away, do this for 5 minutes, before switching to an "Ahhhh, there so cute." for a while, than back to screams of terror, than cute comments, than screams, so on, so forth.

When the death Star is blown up, and everyone starts cheering, cheer with them, jump around and say, "We won, yay!"

**As a Rebel:**

Sing the theme tune to American Pie as you march into battle, get the rest to sing with you.

Upon entering the shield bunker, yell "It's a trap, the Emperor allowed us to gain such valuable data so as to bring the the rebel leaders together to be killed in a bloody massacre!" Suddenly shake your head and say you were in another world just than.

When firing your laser provide a variety of sound effects, not just laser, but sheep, Rooster, and maybe Darth Vader.

When the Ewoks supply reinforcements, comment how this battle has turned into a bad, cliche children's movie.

Upon victory, burst into tears, when asked why, say you miss the Emperor, you want him back, he wasn't that bad.

**In the Death Star:**

When the Emperor says he let them find the out about the Death Star, tell him he's going senile, and that he sent them his tax returns, they just got here out of pure skill.

When Luke says Darth Vader still has good in him, recite every bad thing Vader has done over the last 20 years, including the Jedi purge, the last seconds of as he lunged at Obi-Wan, than ask him if he thinks he is still good.

At the most tense point of the scene with Vader, Luke, and the Emperor, turn on a chainsaw, explain your cutting the tension.

When the Emperor explains how Luke will become his apprentice, click your fingers and say "Hay dude, I like your thinking."

As the Emperor falls to his death, simply say "See you next fall." Proceed to laugh continuously for several hours.

**As pilot:**

Ask Lando why he's the only Black guy to have a talking part in the last several years, (and only 1 of 3 in the entire 6 films.)

Every time a fighter is destroyed, yell a name over the speaker at the top of your voice, even if its not there name, get creative, use odd names.

Just as your about to enter the death star, say your a pacifist, and are against violence, when asked about the last several years, say you never actually shot at anyone in that time.

Play, the song, "Your gonna die, die, doe for your government, die for your country like " over the microphone, say there are notable comparisons.

As the battle is won, simply say, "Wow, you won with me on your side."


	6. During Order 66

**_As Storm Trooper:_**

Shoot at Darth Vadar, insist that he's a Jedi and that he should stop making exceptions and take it like a man.

When your Jedi leader revolts get onto your knee's in tears. Sing "Why can't we be friends?" plead and beg. Be the single most pathetic thing he'll ever see. When he turns away, ashamed to even look at you, scream like a girl and jump at him slapping while you do so. Maybe try and bite him.

When storming the Jedi Temple, run on ahead of all your men screaming various Internet memes like "This is Sparta!" charge forward with such motivating confidence. Almost immediately after entering the Temple run out screaming "They have lasers! We're doomed." Be the most pathetic, disheartening thing they'll ever see.

When storming the Jedi Temple take one shot at a Jedi. If it doesn't work, put down your weapon and calmly walk away. Explain that if it didn't work the first time, it'd be a waste of ammo trying again. Advice others similarly.

When the time comes with your Jedi surrounded and seconds from death, tell him you'll kill him with dignity. Proceed to throw water at them. Explain he'll die a dignified death when the water causes his limbs to rot off and infection spreads causing a spastic fit and death through shock.

When Yoda beheads the advancing troopers walk in saying Order 66 has been called off. When you see there dead bodies burst into tears and mourn their loss. Refer to them as your lovers.

When Commander Cody gives the order to shoot at Obi-Wan, ask why we're doing this in the middle of the bloody battle!

When The Emperor orders you to kill your Jedi, say that he's not your Commander and ask your Jedi about whether to kill him or not.

Explain your feelings of confliction over killing your beloved Jedi through a High School Musical style random-burst-into-song-for-no-apparent-reason-except-to-better-emphasise-your-feelings-dance-too.

When the Emperor gives the order, be in full cos-play out-fit (Watchmen style of course) and say no, your busy.

**_As Jedi:_**

Insist your not actually a Jedi, that your a twin brother visiting for the weekend. This will be a difficult argument, but with the work of running behind a wall and emerging as yourself, plus a but of voice throwing, the troopers might believe you and only shoot you.

Phone the Storm Troopers and say in an ominous voice "Order 66.5 has been given." when they ask what it is, say it means that everything gets reversed and they have to shoot the Emperor.

When the Jedi with the long tendrils in her head and two light-sabers is killed and they riddle her body with lasers, yell "She put her hands up god damn it. She surrendered! She wasn't gonna hurt you!" Burst into tears and refer to her as your lover.

When they storm your room have the YMCA playing. Be in your underwear dancing. Make the situation as awkward as possible.

When they come through the Temple to kill you all, have a lightsaber between each finger so you're basically like Wolverine when you activate your light-sabers. Mutter a witty quip before being the most awesome Jedi that ever existed.

When that youngling says "What do we do Master, there are too many." look at him weirdly and reply "O.K, are there any non-retarded kids I'll be trying to save?"

Make a pass at the Commanding soldier, or Anakin, or The Emperor.

Yell out "You can kill me but you'll only secure the fact I'll never die in my rudimentary guest appearances in the crappy Clone War TV series they make!" as your killed.


	7. During the Clone Wars

_**Scenario's that will get you killed in the Star Wars Universe: During the Clone Wars...**_

**As a Separatist...**

-Send an entire army to kill Jar Jar Binks. After they fail because of some zany shenanigans caused by Binks clumsiness, say you don't blame them as you've already seen Revenge of the Sith.

-Demand you be referred to as "The Dark Legend of Darth Lord General Super McAwesome-name the Destroyer of Worlds of the Sith!" Make it a flogging worthy offense to not use your full name, no matter what the situation.

-Decorate the droids in your command. Nothing subtle or anything, red, blue, streamers, fire works, smiley faces, LOL cats all that stuff.

-Claim to be a lawyer representing the rights of General Grevious' body guards. Put forward a case that they are clearly being given sub-standard equipment in the form of tacky lightsaber rip-off's while their General has more lightsabers than he can carry. Refer to General Grievous as "fascist scum" during this meeting.

-Carry a little book of motivational saying with you. Whenever a battle draws near or times are tough, just produce it and say a random saying. It doesn't even have to be relevant. In battle yell, "The only ship you can't sink is a friendship." or when captured maybe say "Life is like a mirror, if you smile, it'll smile back." See, not relevant but your already feeling a little better.

-When anyone asks for your strategy answer with "They will choke on the rotting corpses of our massacred and sodomised bodies."

-Go to random people's house dressed in a suit with a book and ask: "Hello, may we come in and talk to you about the Dark side of the force."

**As a member of the Republic...**

-Force slap fights.

-Every now and than when talking to Anakin Skywalker, stare at him confused for a few seconds, than say, "What happened to your voice, does it hurt to talk like that, you seem to have gained emotions over night, horrible cheesy action guy emotions, it's creepy dude, go back to the way you were."

-Force hair ruffle.

-Whenever someone questions your decision, yell, "Hay man I'm a rogue cop! No one controls me! I'm out of order? No you're out of order! This whole damn court room is out of order! Cause no-one puts baby in a corner, you can take my life, but you'll never take my freedom, of SPARTA! My family's been kidnapped and in 24 hours a bombs gonna go off to destroy New York city! Ride together die together, bad boys for life..." Generally speaking if you saw it on a movie, say it.

-Force tickle.

-Anakin can go emo sometimes, whenever he does, give him a sneak hug to cheer him up and remind him that at least his Mom is still happy and alive.

-Also mention to Anakin it's hardly like he can slit his wrist with a lightsaber.

-Force eye poke.

-Suggest the above force attacks to be taught to Younglings at the Jedi temple. Other things to be taught include: Force sneak hug, force loss of bowel control, force kick, "These are not the drugs you're looking for." and force kick.

**As an innocent bystander...**

-Change your name to Han Solo. I don't know if it will get you killed, but somewhere along the time you will get yourself into a zany shenanigan/ mix up/ situation that will require canned audience laughter.

-Put posters on the front of everyone's door with election style "We're supporting the Republic/ Separatists" sayings. On your own door put "undecided". See if anyone try and convince you otherwise.

-Take up a job as janitor at the Jedi temple. On the day of Order 66, make sure the floors are wet, but don't leave up a warning sign. Have a tape of canned audience laughter prepared for hilarious accidents.

-Give everyone sneak hugs. Seriously, you have no idea how nice a hug can feel and how much it'll improve your day. Seriously, do it now, do it to the nearest person to you. Do it! Do it or I'll force tickle you!


End file.
